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 The mercs

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FrostWolf
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PostSubject: The mercs   Fri Oct 26, 2007 9:43 pm

An inquisitor stands on a podium in front of a large number of drop ships and begins to speak as the engines of the drop ships die down. "Welcome back to the outpost space marines as you can see we have several new units joining us including some renegade Tau and a number of Imperial Guard units that have worked with us in the past. As you might already know I am no longer part of the Inquisition but instead am just simply your commander officer and the leader of the army. I have also recalled all of my retinue to return to the outpost so that we may reorganize the army. I understand if any of you wish to return to the Imperium if so you may take a small transport and return but the rest of you prepare to leave we will be moving on to the next mission soon. I will be giving each unit new names and we will have a combined organization chat."

This is the beginning of my story of my army let me know what you think Ill add more later on
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PostSubject: Re: The mercs   Fri Oct 26, 2007 9:49 pm

hmmm guess I should add this part.

A short Guard officer is standing next to the former inquisitor as he makes his report "Commander it was a success the Inquisition bilives we all were killed fighting the last choas invasion on the planet we are now safe to escape to the new planet without fear of being followed. With the Inquisition thinking us dead we will be able to rebuild our numbers and reoginze quicker. Also no one has decided to leave even the space marines have refused to leave to return to the Imperium our army is set. Are trust haveing been forgaged in battle we are now set to go out and show just have powerful we truly are."
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Nathan
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PostSubject: Re: The mercs   Sat Oct 27, 2007 11:14 am

Names? I need names. Inquisitor's, planet 1's, planet 2's, what renegade chapter (Soul Drinker style or pure merc?), Guard regiments, tau colony, etc.
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PostSubject: Re: The mercs   Sat Oct 27, 2007 1:03 pm

My only problem is well names and such the renegade chaptor are blood angels sub chaptir I have been toying with but still no good name ill take segustions the planets well Ill just pick a few off the tau side of the Imperium for those. The guard well Ill add that in another time have some nameing type thing. rest looking for ideas
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Matt
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PostSubject: Re: The mercs   Sat Oct 27, 2007 2:18 pm

I have a lot of comments, as far as this fitting into the universe and existing fluff.

for now... it is time to party. Get back to you tomorrow.

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PostSubject: Re: The mercs   Mon Oct 29, 2007 6:19 pm

ok 2 days later and still no comonts well lets get with it I want to know you thoughts
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PostSubject: Re: The mercs   Mon Oct 29, 2007 7:06 pm

So why exactly is this inquisitor receding from the Imperium, better yet, why are people joining him?

Other than these motives, the story just seems a little unbelievable. Inquisitors are never really in control of entire armies (they may order them to act from time to time, but rarely directly control the forces). I suggest reading the Eisenhorn series as an indication of what Inquisitors are really like.

Also, when a battle force does recede from the Imperium, the response is swift and crushing... Just look at the Helican Subsector Revolt, the Taros Campaign or the Sabbat Crusade. It seems to me that you need a better back story for avoiding the Imperium, I find it hard to believe that they would believe an entire force is dead after a battle with Chaos without massive investigation and proof.

Also, proof read your writing, there are many words that are misplaced and misspelled.

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FrostWolf
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PostSubject: Re: The mercs   Mon Oct 29, 2007 7:58 pm

well I did proof read and stick into word even as for the rest it is a work in porgress but you are correct as the why the response they fake their own deaths to escape and if you read the fluff inquistors do command armies just most do not it depends on the inquistiors style and the need. I suppose I should switch it to fighting terinids and the planet being eaten by them(escape from the planet and such) let me know what you all think
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PostSubject: Re: The mercs   Mon Oct 29, 2007 8:45 pm

I'd be careful with Inquisitors commanding armies. While it is true that they do command armies form time to time (which i said), they do not lead the armies permanently. For example Guard armies are led by their own commanders, as are marine armies. If the Inquisitor is in complete control, it would be interesting and useful to find out how he managed to depose or circumvent the leaders of the various branches. Did he have them assassinated? Did he send them on various missions so that he could be left in charge of their forces? You get the idea.

Also, what are his motives. Why would he secede from the Empire but still allow loyal elements to leave?

If the Force he commands are drawn from Inquisitorial armies, why are they seceding with him. They are some of the most loyal of all Imperial forces, for them to leave there would have to be a very good reason.

What Marine chapter is with him? Why would they secede? They would be harder to convince than a guardsman. Way, way harder.

Also, why was he in command of such a large force in the first place. I'd read some fluff if I was you, you will quickly find that for an Inquisitor to command such a large force it would be quite the occasion indeed. Something very apocalyptic.

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